EXPLORE.

Monday, January 15, 2018

Growth.

Yesterday was the first Sunday in a long time that was just pure and gentle happiness. Shay and I have finally gotten re-adjusted into our home after a few months of hectic responsibilities. We both were fighting off a cold most of the first days of the new year and now by mid January everything is feeling organized. 

Writing here the other day really helped. Ever since that day, I've been ok. More than ok actually, I feel in control at the moment. It's Monday today and usually around this time I'd be in a meeting that starts at seven and reminds me I am flawed. Today's meeting was actually canceled and rather than feeling guilty or wrong for not going, I feel at terms with myself. A lot of last year and the year before and I suppose most of my life, a pattern was to just convince myself nothing was wrong. Coming to terms with the fact that I need to face myself is helping, whether it's gradual or not. 

This is the first week of work I'll be back in full force. I have two test shoots this week with a makeup artist and a packed Thursday and Friday. Saturday I'm stepping completely out of my comfort zone and heading on a plane for a day trip to San Francisco. That sounds so out of character for me which is the most exciting part. 

When I was younger, I didn't have a personality I could call my own. I always tried to be like everyone else and what it left me with was being no one at all. Growing into my own beliefs and thoughts these past few years has been challenging but also so rewarding. I used to be uncomfortable with the idea of stepping outside of my boundaries. I used to never do things out of character because everything was out of character for me. The freedom of knowing I'll still be myself in whatever situation life presents me with is powerful. I feel more and more like the woman I am and realize she is also the woman I've always wanted to be. 

I'm growing. This blog or more so personal collection of memories is a sure sign of that. Growth and healing and character; it's crazy how the things we are taught all our lives don't really mean anything until we've lived them ourselves and find true definition in experience. 

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Saturday, January 13, 2018

Trying to Understand Myself.

I have this problem with hating to admit I can't fix things myself. This sounds like one of those eye rolling obvious issues that most people have but I feel like this is a deeper issue that I refuse to believe. I'm a very calculated person who always knew that to understand something, allows you to know it. There are many things I know about myself and therefore I understand. 

There's this one thing I cannot seem to fix alone and even as I'm writing this, I'm still trying to. The thought of expressing what I express to myself as often as I do to someone else makes absolutely no sense to me. I see it as a mix of being prideful and unwilling to admit to my flaws but also a mixture of the inability to burden others with my issues. I have a food addiction. It's the worst part of me and it's something that just won't go away. 

I started going to meetings and at first they helped but for some reason I turned into someone self riotous in those meetings and cannot admit to even a group of like minded people that I cannot seem to solve this problem. I'm aware it's there at all times of the day and when I eat out of control, I still don't tell anyone. My mind starts to work and I problem solve and I come up with an array of solutions and although that should be the end of it, it's not. I can sit there and think of a hundred different ways to avoid and/or control my issues and then an hour later I've lost it again. 

That's terrifying. 

I know Shay is aware of everything that he sees go on but he's not aware of everything that isn't spoken and I just can't talk about it sometimes. Most times. A big part of these meetings involves getting a sponsor. The idea of talking to someone frequently is absurd to me and makes no sense and isn't something I see myself doing for an extended period of time. The idea of someone knowing me more than I want them to doesn't make sense and makes me anxious and uncomfortable. My own life partner who I live with and breathe with every day of my life already knows more than I'm willing to share. 

So I sit here and I stir and I think and I get frustrated by the lack of solutions I can make out to solve this issue, this disgusting problem I shouldn't have. It's not even that I binge anymore because I don't feel as though it's at that point right now, it's that I still think about food and when I don't have every second of my day filled, I still eat as easily as I breathe. I know I shouldn't go into a grocery store alone but I do. I know that buying two of anything with the idea of saving one for later never works out, but I do. I talk to myself in my head and convince myself everything that should be true but I'm wrong. 

It's scary being so in your head that the same thoughts providing you with solutions to your problems are controlled by the same mind that convinces yourself it's ok to do the exact opposite. That part destroys me and confuses me and frustrates me to no end. Why do I even try fixing myself when I'm the one trying to destroy me too? Why do I continue to destroy myself when I'm trying to constantly work on bettering myself too? My mind is an oxymoron, my existence contradicts itself and it's infuriating. I'm so self deprecating that I go out of my way to make my life harder while simultaneously working on something that's supposed to be making it better. 

It's hard, it's hard right now and nothing has even happened. It's just hard knowing all of this and understanding all of this but still feeling so lost in a problem. 

I'm not going to ask for help today. I don't want help. I want to help myself. So I'm going to try again to control this problem. Maybe I can just start to write it down more. This helps. Just try to keep solving this stupid equation. Just try. At least I'm trying. 

I'm just scared of realizing one day trying isn't getting me anywhere and then I'll just backtrack. But today's not that day. Today I can still try. I don't really know where to end this thought. It's never ending. It's a constant in my mind and it's a constant in time. 

I have a problem and I really just want to be able to solve it on my own. 

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Saturday, January 6, 2018

We came back early.

We're back home. We didn't make it to Yosemite. We got caught in the rain and in a storm of anxiety and sometimes things don't go as expected. We're ok though, a team. We left as a team. That's all that matters. 

A weekend at home.




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Friday, January 5, 2018

Away for the Weekend

On Wednesday we moved back into our apartment after a month of dogsitting. It feels warm being back in my own home. I missed my bed. Today Shay and I are working the morning and then I'll go pick him up so we can head out on the road to Bass Lake. Our first adventure of the year.

We have a hard time traveling because we're both very active beings. The thought of sitting and driving for five hours is miserable. Tomorrow we're planning on finally heading back to Yosemite. It's been over a year now since we first went and this time Shay and I are planning on going alone. We're spending the weekend in the cabin with his family and for two nonsocial beings, the social entertainment is going to drain us both. That mixed with long car rides will leave us exhausted next week but the sights of Yosemite are all I'm yearning for. 

It should be snowing there and I'm excited to take more photos this time around. Last time felt rushed which I'm sure this time will be as well however, it'll be nice just being the two of us and seeing, living and being. 

Until Monday.


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