Monday, March 19, 2018


I remember the last time I hugged my mom. Actually felt it. It was at the airport near McDonalds before I had to walk away into the terminal where I left for Austria. I remember the way she cried and how she kept reaching for my hand across the table. I never really touched my mom again after that. 
I remember the way my Grandma used to pat my hand while I cried in Austria. She didn't hug. She just patted me. Sometimes she cried too but we never held onto each other. I remember the day on my bedroom floor about two months after I came back, I was sitting and thinking and I cried so much I only saw darkness. Daniel tried to hug me on the floor as I rocked and I screamed for him to let me go. It hurt being touched. 
I hated physical contact. I still do. I make sure not to brush fingertips when I hand someone cash. I make sure not to stand too close with my shoulders in a crowded room. If someone foreign hugs me, I remember. For work, I automatically accept a hug hello and a hug goodbye but apart from that I hold my distance. 
It took a long time for me to sit beside Shay. It took a long time for me to remember what his hands felt like and memorize the way they fit with mine. I only look at him on occasion but it's been enough time to remember the way he looks. I remember the way he kisses and the distinct taste and my memories are filled with happy times. 
It took a lot of work for me to feel ok being felt. It was this door that had to be opened and it took a lot of effort to stay open. I know what it means to close that door. I know I closed the door to my mom at that airport. I know I closed the door to my grandma watching her from my second plane. I don't feel Sparcky or look at him anymore. I know that door was closed too. 
Now I'm standing outside an open door feeling closed. 
Closing my eyes, thinking of feeling feels distant and it's lost. 
I don't know if we'll ever touch again even if he tries to hold my hand right now. 
Wish it made sense. I feel untouched and I'm not lacking or yearning for anything more than to keep the door open as it's shutting right before my eyes. 

Sunday, February 25, 2018

Twenty Three

It may be cheesy but I had an un BRIElievable day yesterday with Shay. Cheese. Adventures. Kisses. Happiness. Twenty-three started off very GOUDa.


Thursday, February 22, 2018

Our Short Trip to Sequoia

I never thought I'd be someone who truly worries about their age. I always felt older than my years growing up and it felt good not to blend into the youth and childish habits of the people around me. In two days I'm turning twenty-three. For some reason, that number sounds foreign to me. Even just typing this, a small pit in my stomach is weighing me down. I felt like I was forever twenty-two. This past year was definitely the biggest year of my life. That says a lot because so many of my years recently felt like the biggest year of my life. So much has happened and I think that's what scares me the most because it doesn't feel like life is slowing down, it just seems to keep speeding up. Every single day and every single month is just so significant and although I've had great years they're also really hard. I'm just scared that one year it's going to be too hard and then I'll wake up and look back and realize there's no more time to be scared because I'm a grown up and I'm not a little kid and life has to keep on going. Whether this year is hard or easy or emotional, I have to keep going and I think that idea is really scary.

I feel like for so much of my life similar habits and consequences were consistently following me through my years and it wasn't until this past year that I really recognized them. So now within that recognition I found things I needed to work on and change and progress and it just keeps adding up and it feels like I don't have enough time to perfect myself and my mistakes and progress. And I'm afraid of all the things I'll learn about myself and my life this next year and where that's going to bring me and whether or not I'll have time to truly understand it and focus and progress it and myself. I think it's very natural but very true for someone who is driven to want more time to perfect the drive. There's so much I'm doing now that I just wish I had done sooner. It just wasn't the right time before. And it's now time to focus on what I'm focusing on and in a year whatever I'm focusing on then, will be the time I'm meant to focus on that. It's just so difficult not knowing what's to come and understanding that I don't have control of everything while still attempting to control myself. 

I'm in a better state of mind today. I'm always in a better state of mind when I'm able to write about things or talk about things or speak at all. Lately I've had so many conversations in my head but I don't think I've truly spoken to anyone about anything. Shay met my brother two days ago. That was big but not as big as it would have been two years ago which was a sign to me of progression. Small things aren't as big as they used to be. I've learned to focus my energy on more reasonable things. But I still slip and focus too much energy on things that were never meant to get any thought at all. We drove to Sequoia yesterday. We were miserable for four hours and then arrived to a fight and had to drive back. That sounds so negative but it was so positive. On the way back down the mountain we drove past baby deer walking on the road. Then just around one of the winding curves was a big rock and as I drove, with my terrible eyes I swore I saw a bear. In the midst of our chaos, Shay thought I was insane but I was determined. I've been so much better at giving myself what I need. I needed to go yesterday and I needed to turn that car around and make sure I saw what I saw. So I did. And we turned around and for those five minutes, we lulled in the car and rolled down the window and saw three bears just hanging out and looking back at us. Two little black bears and a brown bear. Right there. Right in front of us. We didn't even make it to the top of the mountain, we didn't see any of those gorgeous gigantic trees. But in five minutes of me listening to my gut, we saw something beautiful. Teary eyes and a nap later, I woke up in the car and Shay held my hand and we reminisced with simple smiles about the bears. It's always been easy with him. He let's me feel. And he sees what I see. 

So we may not have had the typical trip but we had a trip that was entirely perfect in our own way. Everything we do is atypical. We're not the average couple. He's not the average guy and I'm not the average human but we're perfect and I'm grateful to have met someone who likes me for the truest form of my being. 

Twenty-three. What do you have in store for me?


Thursday, February 15, 2018

Valentine's Day.

Whale. Whale. Whale. Look what we did today. 

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