Saturday, June 24, 2017

The Waiting Game

It's really just a waiting game now. Both our broker and the private owned little house told us they'd have an answer by Monday and so therefore we wait. Some of our talks are over new decor and how we don't own a couch but they're filled with little bubbles of hope and excitement to decorate either space. We babble about the pros and cons and giddily plan out having an office and a music room. The other half of our talks are edged with worry. Are we going to have to keep looking? Will anyone accept us? Is this even the right decision or the right time? It's all emotional.

 Emotional dialect.

It's still not Monday. 

Friday, June 23, 2017


It's Friday and midday. I should be editing or working or doing something productive but instead I'm feeling weak and my gut feels deep and hollow. Anxiety is bizarre the way it feels inside your head. I had a lot of coffee today, that never really helps. We applied for two places this week and it's hard. We're not ideal candidates, not ideal adults. Shay and I talk about it often; how when you're fourteen you figure by the time you're twenty-two the world will seem easy and you'll really know about a thing or two. Every year I get older the only thing I'm learning is that I haven't actually learned a thing at all. 
I gravitate towards negativity. If you give me a scenario that is left up in the air, I will always sway to the worst ways. I'm anxious about not being able to find a place and I'm really bothered by not having a hair tie to hold my hair out of my face. Do little things ever get to you? Like how am I meant to afford a two bedroom condo when I don't even own a second mug for goodness sake? 
Don't know why I've been so nervous every day. I'm waiting for something, anxious and anticipating but nothing is coming up; nothing is set to play but I'm nervous. Scrambled. 
I really hate waiting for things to happen, giving a situation some control. I used to write about being in control and then realised there's a lot I truly avoid and sweep under the rug. 
Something feels sad. 
It's a wave. Some days I wish my life wasn't an ocean. It's just Friday. 

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Where Have I Been?

I guess you could say I've been everywhere and nowhere. Some days it feels like I've lived a thousand lives this year and other days it feels like I haven't changed at all. A lot's happened since I last wrote on here. I don't work for Etan anymore. I actually got another job and then quit that one too. Well, I'm a professional photographer now, or at least that's what my job title is meant to be. I have a lot more good days now than I do bad, but everything feels more serious and real and that part's scary. 
I got a few tattoos. Strange. Shay and I are still together. This month it was two years; two years since I met the bearded guy in the coffee shop at the mid stop between our existences. Now he's the guy walking around our bedroom, asking me what I'm up to as I'm typing away on the laptop. That feels like a smile, I think that's a pretty way of describing something so pure, like the way your lips feel when they're forming into a smile, that's how he makes me feel. 
I met a lot of people. I feel as though that's significant because everyone used to be significant since everyone was so few. Now there's people in my life I forget details about and that always kinda tastes a bit strange. I still think a lot. Think about Dilshika and our friendship, think about Sparcky and the way it's hard to close my eyes sometimes because I'm afraid to see him in my dreams, think about Etan and his family and how I considered them mine and think about my family and how the abnormalities of our conversations aren't abnormal anymore, they're just the norm. 
We got two cats and moved into my place. We're hunting for a bigger space which is surreal and hard to wrap my head around sometimes. Home was something I didn't trust and then I found home in a person and now there's a promise for a new wall that's going to contain both of our things and that feels happy. I got a new car. God, it feels like a lot. It's a prius. Shay saved me like he did today when we saw a snake. 
I quit my other new job on Tuesday and now I'm self-employed which is terrifying because there's days I wake up scared to leave the house. I'm vegan, that's weird but different and new. 
Things changed but I'm ok. I like writing it down, it makes things easier and maybe this is what I needed and miss. 

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Small Goals

A list of things that have recently been crossing my mind. Small Goals. Small Changes. Written Notes.
  • Take more photos.
  • Take time to dress better.
  • Show my apartment more love.
  • Build a website.
  • Invest in forever pieces.
  • Save more money.
  • Plan travels. 
  • Take photos of myself every now and again. to remember. 
  • Listen to better music. Not the garbage that's popular.
  • Read at least ten books next year.
  • Find good podcasts to listen to.
  • Spend less time on my phone. 
  • Write more things by hand.
  • Make a photo album. 
  • Wear less make up & Use less heat on my hair. 
  • Take better care of myself, my heart, my health, my happiness. 
  • Blog more (duh)
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